SO Vault: What are some funny loading statements to keep users amused?

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Note: Because these threads are older, info may be outdated and links may be dead. Feel free to contact me, but I may not update them... this is an archive after all.

What are some funny loading statements to keep users amused?

Question asked by Oli

Nobody likes waiting but unfortunately in the Ajax application I'm working on at the moment, there is one fair-sized pause (1-2 seconds a go) that users have to undergo each and every time they want to load up a chunk of data.

I've tried to make the load as interactive as possible. There's an animated GIF alongside a very plain, very dull "Loading..." message.

So I thought it might be quite fun to come up with a batch of 50-or-so funny-looking messages and pick from them randomly so the user never knows what they're going to see. The time they would have spent growing impatient is fruitfully used.

Here's what I've come up with so far, just to give you an idea.

var randomLoadingMessage = function() {
    var lines = new Array(
        "Locating the required gigapixels to render...",
        "Spinning up the hamster...",
        "Shovelling coal into the server...",
        "Programming the flux capacitor"
    );
    return lines[Math.round(Math.random()*(lines.length-1))];
}

(Yes -- I know some of those are pretty lame -- That's why I'm here :)

The funniest I see today will get the prestigious "Accepted Answer" award. Others get votes for participation.

Enjoy!!

Comments

I wouldn't bother. Even if you can find 50 "funny" entries (the vast majority of suggestions so far have been overwhelmingly unfunny), they won't be funny the second time you see them. A progress bar would be more useful, perhaps with a "Tip of the Day" to provide actual helpful information. – Dan Dyer Oct 11 '08 at 11:38

Actually, you don't "program" a flux capacitor, you "charge" it. The difference may seem slight, but you'd definitely care if you suddenly found yourself in 1,000,000 BC instead of 2012 AD. Important safety tip. – Cyberherbalist Oct 13 '08 at 16:07

I love the "why the downvote" edit now that the net votes are +168 :-) – paxdiablo Jan 20 '09 at 8:07

... "waiting for the tubes to be unclogged..." – DeadHead May 8 '09 at 0:50

There are lot of them in World Of Goo! – TheVillageIdiot Jun 26 '09 at 4:05

Answer by Adam Rosenfield

The MIT campus map has a bunch of good ones:

(All loading messages are prefixed with "Please wait")

640K ought to be enough for anybody
the architects are still drafting
the bits are breeding
we're building the buildings as fast as we can
would you prefer chicken, steak, or tofu?
pay no attention to the man behind the curtain
and enjoy the elevator music
while the little elves draw your map
a few bits tried to escape, but we caught them
and dream of faster computers
would you like fries with that?
checking the gravitational constant in your locale
go ahead -- hold your breath
at least you're not on hold
hum something loud while others stare
you're not in Kansas any more
the server is powered by a lemon and two electrodes
we love you just the way you are
while a larger software vendor in Seattle takes over the world
we're testing your patience
as if you had any other choice
take a moment to sign up for our lovely prizes
don't think of purple hippos
follow the white rabbit
why don't you order a sandwich?
while the satellite moves into position
the bits are flowing slowly today
dig on the 'X' for buried treasure... ARRR!
it's still faster than you could draw it

EDIT: MIT has since updated their campus map. The old map can still be found at archive.org, and the old loading messages can still be found here (for now).

Comments

checking the gravitational constant in your locale is the best! LOL! – Pablo Marambio Oct 9 '08 at 17:10

Please wait we're testing your patience. ... haha – chakrit Nov 7 '08 at 8:02

ha I used to work someplace where we did need to check the local gravitational vector, actually stored in a db indexed by lat/lon :). – Doug T. Dec 21 '08 at 17:32

"a few bits tried to escape, but we caught them" – Navneet Feb 23 '09 at 14:53

"we love you just the way you are." Aww...now I don't mind waiting. – Karmic Coder Sep 27 '09 at 18:46

Answer by Rob Allen

Do you suffer from ADHD? Me neith- oh look a bunny... What was I doing again? Oh, right. Here we go.
The last time I tried this the monkey didn't survive. Let's hope it works better this time.
Testing data on Timmy... ... ... We're going to need another Timmy.
I should have had a V8 this morning.
My other load screen is much faster. You should try that one instead.
The version I have of this in testing has much funnier load screens.

Comments

love the timmy one – helloandre Oct 9 '08 at 5:54

Upvoted for timmy. Also like the monkey one. :) – different Oct 10 '08 at 8:37

Man how long has it been since I even thought about Timmy :) thanks for the laugh. – Ron Tuffin Oct 10 '08 at 12:48

Just in case the "Timmy" stuff needs a reference: youtube.com/watch?v=FwVA698Hx2g – Rob Allen Oct 10 '08 at 14:45

AA for the Timmy one. I managed to miss that before. Almost had me on the floor in fits of giggles. – Oli Jan 16 '09 at 11:48

Answer by WebDude (Oct 08, 2008)

"Loading humorous message ... Please Wait"

Comments

You went meta on that – Varun Mahajan Oct 8 '08 at 14:19

For a long while my mailing list sig was "WARNING: SYSTEM FAILURE! Unable to insert amusing tagline." – Chris Upchurch Feb 8 '09 at 20:51

@Varun: Never go full meta. – delete Jun 4 '10 at 0:58

@delete: good advice with that username – sehe Jul 11 '11 at 14:46

Answer by AnthonyWJones (Oct 09, 2008)

Two animated gifs, one that runs twice as fast. A button that says 'Turbo Boost'. On click swap in the fast gif for a few seconds after which swap back and briefly display 'Turbo boost exhausted, click again to re-enable'. Reduce time enabled after each click.

Randomly introduce messages 'Are you sure this is helping?' and 'Must go faster, must go faster'.

Comments

making a game out of waiting is a great idea. – Karl Feb 8 '09 at 22:11

This one is really original – PRINCESS FLUFF Jul 24 '09 at 11:46

ROFL, this was the funniest and +1 for the originality. – Rakesh Juyal Oct 6 '09 at 12:43

Watch out, Namco might sue you for infringing on their minigames-during-loading-screens patent google.com/… – jsoverson Jan 15 '10 at 18:33

The Strike Commander CD-Rom-Edition featured a Breakout-like game during the rather lengthy loading times the single-speed-CD-Rom drives of its time in which you had to keep a spinning cd from falling of the bottom of the screen using a red line as paddle, controlled by the mouse. You only had one cd, so when it dropped of the screen, you had nothing left to do during the loading time. – sum1stolemyname Jun 9 '10 at 14:00

Answer by Matthew Scouten (Oct 08, 2008)

Loading Infinite Monkeys....
Monkey 1....................Loaded
Monkey 2....................Loaded
Monkey 3....................Loaded
Monkey 4....................Loaded
Monkey 5....................Loaded
Monkey 6....................Loaded
Monkey 7....................Loaded
Monkey 8.........

Comments

My favourite kernel panic message was "Enraged Monkey Error: Out of bananas! – Peter Wone Oct 11 '08 at 7:24

I just wonder when people start asking each other "How many monkeys have you got?" – phunehehe Feb 10 '10 at 12:50

There must be at least one dead monkey. – Moshe Revah Aug 2 '11 at 14:46

@Zippoxer: nonsense! you can avoid dead monkeys by mounting a scratch monkey. – Matthew Scouten Aug 4 '11 at 14:38

Answer by Peter Wone

Animate this:

Testing RAM..............OK
Testing CPU..............OK
Testing Primary Disk.....OK
Testing Patience.......FAIL

USER ERROR: OUT OF PATIENCE!

Comments

I'd say forget the out of patience error, just keep writing dots after testing patience indefinetly. – SpoonMeiser Oct 8 '08 at 15:10

You could omit the first three lines and just keep writing dots, as per SpoonMeiser's suggestion. :) – different Oct 9 '08 at 16:16

USER ERROR: OUT OF PATIENCE! Performing memory dump... – Cristián Romo Oct 17 '08 at 18:44

How about a shockwave animation of Clippy (the annoying paperclip from Office) tapping on the screen (complete with sound) and saying "It looks like you're running out of patience. Would you like to write a letter?" – Peter Wone Oct 23 '08 at 12:29

USER ERROR: OUT OF PATIENCE! Please wait while we submit error reports. – chakrit Nov 7 '08 at 8:05

Answer by Crippledsmurf (Oct 08, 2008)

Reticulating splines

Comments

see here stackoverflow.com/questions/182112/… – Jeff Atwood Oct 8 '08 at 11:56

Man, I miss those old Maxis games. – Electrons_Ahoy Oct 8 '08 at 17:03

You also get this message from the Mozy Backup Client... – Rik Heywood Dec 17 '08 at 12:04

SimTower was awesome! SimCity2000 best sim game ever IMHO! – Steve Tranby Jan 6 '09 at 0:38

+1 for SimTower and SimCity 2K :) Old maxis was the best. – maayank Aug 30 '09 at 20:05

Answer by seuvitor (Oct 08, 2008)

"Warming up Large Hadron Collider..."

Comments

Cooling down Large Hadron Collider – Matt Price Oct 8 '08 at 17:06

Dusting Large Hadron Collider. With a toothbrush. For a Barbie. – Ates Goral Oct 9 '08 at 1:15

Look up "Bose Einstein Condensate" in the context of powerful fluctuating magnetic fields. The LHC has such fields and is surrounded by 700 tonnes of liquid helium, which is a BEC. I'm not sure that's so funny. – Peter Wone Oct 9 '08 at 11:10

Opening hyperdimensional door... – Vinz Nov 27 '09 at 11:13

"Detecting presence of birds ............. DONE (NONE FOUND)" "Warming up LHC ......." – Nicholas Kreidberg Jan 15 '10 at 20:09

Answer by Snocrash

The NetPositive browser on BeOS had some great error messages! They were all written as Haiku and could be modified to suit your app or at least provide some inspiration:

http://www.8325.org/haiku/

  The web site you seek
  Lies beyond our perception
  But others await.

  Sites you are seeking
  From your path they are fleeing
  Their winter has come.

  A truth found, be told
  You are far from the fold, Go
  Come back yet again.

  Wind catches lily
  Scatt'ring petals to the wind:
  Your site is not found.

  These three are certain:
  Death, taxes, and site not found.
  You, victim of one.

  Ephemeral site.
  I am the Blue Screen of Death.
  No one hears your screams.

  Aborted effort:
  The site, passed this veil of tears.
  You ask way too much.

  Mourning and sorrow
  404 not with us now
  Lost to paradise.

  Not a pretty sight
  When the web dies screaming loud
  The site is not found.

  Site slips through fingers
  Pulse pounding hard and frantic
  Vanishing like mist.

  The dream is shattered
  The web site cannot be found
  Inside the spring rain.

  Bartender yells loud
  Your site cannot be found, boy
  Buy another drink.

  Chrome megaphone barks
  It's not possible to talk
  Not yet anyway.

  Emptyness of soul
  Forever aching blackness:
  "Blah.com not found."

  Click exciting link
  Gossamer threads hold you back
  404 not found.

  With searching comes loss
  And the presence of absence:
  The site is not found.

  You step in the stream,
  But the water has moved on
  The site is not here.

  Rather than a beep
  Or a rude error message,
  These words: 'Site not found.'

  Something you entered
  Transcended parameters.
  The site is unknown.

  Stay the patient course
  Of little worth is your ire
  The server is down

  There is a chasm
  Of carbon and silicon
  The server can't bridge.

  Chaos reigns within.
  Reflect, repent, and retry.
  Server shall return.

  Won't you please observe
  A brief moment of silence
  For the dead server?

  First snow, then silence.
  This expensive server dies
  So beautifully.

  Seeing my great fault
  Through darkening dead servers
  I begin again.

  Visit the home page
  It can't be done easily
  When the site is down.

  Cables have been cut
  Southwest of Northeast somewhere
  We are not amused.

  Site is silent, yes
  No voices can be heard now
  The cows roll their eyes.

  Silicon shudders
  The site is down for the count
  One big knockout punch.

  Yesterday it worked
  Today it is not working
  The web is like that.

  The ten thousand things
  How long do any persist?
  The file, not there.

  A file that big?
  It might be very useful
  But now it is gone.

  To have no errors
  Would be life without meaning
  No struggle, no joy

  Errors have occurred.
  We won't tell you where or why.
  Lazy programmers.

  The code was willing
  It considered your request,
  But the chips were weak.

  Error reduces
  Your expensive computer
  To a simple stone.

  Server's poor response
  Not quick enough for browser.
  Timed out, plum blossom.

  Login incorrect.
  Only perfect spellers may
  Enter this system.

Comments

I recall seeing this message somewhere: "A file of that type? / It might be very useful. / Here it will not work." – Michael Myers♦ Feb 10 '09 at 16:46

Oh wow that really was the greatest thing I have ever read. – LegendLength Mar 19 '09 at 11:35

+1 just for the death and taxes one – Pops Jan 15 '10 at 18:53

I love haikus. Teary sniff. – cplotts Feb 9 '10 at 18:43

A lot of these are just sentences split unnaturally into "haiku", which actually requires a measure of 5-7-5 morae, not syllables. </pedant> – dreamlax Jun 4 '10 at 1:00

Answer by Zarkonnen (Oct 08, 2008)

How about randomly generating a phrase?

[verbing] [adjective] [plural noun]

And then have a small dictionary for each of these three slots: { "transglutinating", "fine-tuning" }, { "injector", "radiant" }, { "goatherd", "post-processor" }.

Comments

Do you know the Firefox plugin "Firesomething"? Brands each Firefox window with a new name - like Moongnu, Poweroyster etc. Sadly it's not available for FF 3 – Olaf Kock Oct 15 '08 at 7:26

Oh yes! I used to use that back in FF2. :D – Zarkonnen Oct 21 '08 at 11:33

heh, or "Im in ur [random]z, [random]ing ur [random]z!" – Svante Nov 3 '08 at 11:55

Make sure you figure out what the most inappropriate combination is before deploying :) – DiningPhilanderer Feb 27 '09 at 13:52

In soviet Russia [random noun] [random verb]'s YOU! – Crippledsmurf Jun 19 '10 at 0:42

Answer by slashnick (Oct 08, 2008)

"It looks like you're waiting for a website to load..."

Comments

this one made me irlol – thesmallprint Oct 10 '08 at 1:32

"... Can I help you with that?" – Dalin Seivewright Feb 8 '09 at 21:17

office2010themovie.com – jimmystormig Jul 16 '09 at 10:56

You should totally drop that and try ... – a_m0d Dec 1 '09 at 3:46

Answer by Dan Rosenstark

Sammyo's answer

Yes there really are magic elves with an abacus working frantically in here.

is the only way to be possibly funny every single time. You need ONE centralizing concept, like elves inside, and then you work with that.

This derives in:

Happy Elf and Sad Elf are talking about your data. Please wait.
All the relevant elves are on break. Please wait.

etc. etc. As long as there's one concept in there, the user will feel it's funny because they've "gotten it" and then you can go out on further and further tangents.

Elf down! We're cloning the elf that was supposed to get you the data. Please wait.

Comments

Heh, that's a nice concept. – Jonta Apr 25 '09 at 20:51

I like that concept there – Andrew Marsh Jul 21 '09 at 18:58

+1 I like the concept idea, and deriving the variations from it – KLE Sep 17 '09 at 13:35

Really, it's also how to be funny in a room full of people. – Dan Rosenstark Sep 17 '09 at 18:07

Answer by mdb

"Press Alt+F4 for a quick IQ test"

(this has the added bonus of being able to waste some time on making your loading messages User-Agent specific...)

Comments

If only I could do this without getting fired... – num1 Oct 29 '08 at 5:33

Ahh, Alt-H was the good old one for the Bulletin Board days with a 1200baud modem. That caught me out a couple times actually! – Carl Oct 29 '08 at 23:22

Talkers/Muds equivalent "type qu for quote of the day" <user has disconnected> – Chris J Nov 13 '09 at 23:18

@Jian Lin:cross platform only!M$ things are not OK. – Behrooz Jul 10 '10 at 17:51

This one is FUNNY !! – user279521 Aug 24 '10 at 14:37

Answer by Jeff Atwood

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SimCity_2000

SimCity 2000 was the first sim game to feature the semi-nonsensical phrase "Reticulating Splines". Will Wright stated in an interview that the game does not actually reticulate splines when generating terrain; he inserted the phrase because it "sounded cool". The phrase has since been featured in SimCopter, SimCity 4 and The Sims, as well as being referenced humorously by a status message in Mozy, an off-site backup solution offered by EMC Corporation. It is also parodied in the game Spore which features the phrase "Reticulating Spines" in some of its loading screens.

Video clip of female voiceover from SimCity 2000

Comments

I remember first seeing it in SimCopter. I thought it was helicopter terminology. – Mark Cidade Oct 8 '08 at 21:22

Splines are also supposedly "reticulated" in the PS3 game "Tiger Woods Golf" while it creates a 3d model from a user-loaded photo, as part of the "Player Game Face" feature. – benjismith Oct 9 '08 at 17:00

The nice part of this one is that Mozy actually does reticulate splines when it does its change set calculations but nobody believes it. – reconbot Oct 13 '09 at 19:10

Answer by WaxEagle

Time is an illusion. Loading time doubly so.

Comments

Nice DNA reference, except, s/dually/doubly/ – Ishmaeel Oct 8 '08 at 13:04

fixed it. I couldn't remember which one it was. blasted English language. – wax eagle Oct 8 '08 at 13:14

I thought that was a Hitchhiker's reference. – Matt Ball Nov 17 '09 at 18:21

It is a Hitchhiker's reference. DNA was Douglas Noel Adams, the author. – TRiG Jan 15 '10 at 17:55

Answer by Chris Boesing

Maybe some recursion:

"Want to see a funny loading message? Take a look here"

Comments

DOH, now don't I feel stupid, I clicked the link and was like "WTF?" – UnkwnTech Oct 8 '08 at 11:08

It's funny because it's true, granted in my defense it is 4am, and I've not yet gone to bed, damn hobby projects. – UnkwnTech Oct 8 '08 at 11:11

HAhaha, THAT was funny! Im looking at u Unkwntech :P – Moulde Mar 18 '09 at 12:46

Aw crap. [I fell for it too] – mpen Mar 31 '09 at 5:02

This page looks awkwardly familiar ... – Valentin Flachsel Jun 24 '10 at 18:33

Answer by Greg

Futurama Rules! http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/brainiac/futurama.jpg

Reconfoobling energymotron

Comments

You found my weak spot! Futurama reference gets the upvote :-) – Ferruccio Oct 14 '08 at 10:53

... or whatever. – Kevin Panko Jan 25 '10 at 19:30

Answer by Daniel Auger (Oct 08, 2008)

"Press play on tape."

Comments

Dammit - I'm old enough to get this. Good one. +1 – CAD bloke Oct 12 '08 at 11:48

Or similarly, "Please Turn to Side B and press Play" – enobrev Oct 26 '08 at 22:27

LOL. +1 I remember using those... and when it finally loaded you'd change your mind and choose another game. – Osama Al-Maadeed Nov 1 '08 at 6:56

+1. hahahahahah. I'm with the other oldies... – Mitch Wheat Dec 2 '08 at 15:29

+1 ... and don't forget the ,1 in ,8,1 :) – Skaldrom Y. Sarg Jan 23 '09 at 10:25

Answer by Codeslayer

Measuring the cable length to fetch your data...

Comments

Haha, you could add something like "One inch of cable length. Two inches of cable length. Three inches of..." – Jonta Mar 15 '09 at 13:26

Answer by Jeff B

Are we there yet?
Insert quarter
1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall...
Hang on a sec, I know your data is here somewhere
Well, what are you waiting for?
Are we there yet?
Have you lost weight?
Congratulations!
Are we there yet?

Comments

++ for the bottles of beer on the wall and hang on a sec – Jonta Mar 15 '09 at 13:28

+1 for "Insert quater" – Matthew Whited Jun 15 '10 at 17:48

Answer by Erik Forbes

"It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue."

Answer by Unkwntech

"HELP!, I'm being held hostage, and forced to write the stupid lines!"

Comments

PS, I got this in a fortune cookie once. – UnkwnTech Oct 8 '08 at 11:12

Yeah, thought I heard this before – Pablo Marambio Oct 9 '08 at 17:13

Reminds me of Apple's Blue Meanies: "Help! Help! We're being held prisoner in a system software factory!" – LKM Oct 10 '08 at 7:28

Answer by BlaM

"Searching for Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything"

Comments

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy eh? I like it. – Noah Goodrich Oct 8 '08 at 15:23

Count it up to 42 while doing it. – Daddy Warbox Oct 8 '08 at 21:30

...or show while waiting an animation of a white mouse in a running wheel ! – Tom Carter Oct 9 '08 at 10:39

"... please make sure you don't find the question" – Pablo Marambio Oct 9 '08 at 17:14

or... constantly count up to 41, wait a couple seconds, and then reset to 1. Repeat indefinitely. – Andrew Ensley Mar 26 '09 at 18:03

Answer by SpoonMeiser

"The gods contemplate your fate..."

Comments

Yes, although the quote might not be 100% accurate. – SpoonMeiser Oct 8 '08 at 15:08

"The Gods pause for a moment to contemplate your fate." Viva la DosBox! – Ishmaeel Oct 8 '08 at 16:47

That was a game! – ya23 Apr 5 '09 at 23:03

Was that from Nethack? – johnc Sep 28 '09 at 0:52

@lagerdalek, it was from Moonstone. – SpoonMeiser Sep 28 '09 at 12:07

Answer by Gene

Waiting for the system admin to hit enter...
Paging for the system admin...
Warming up the processors...
Reconfiguring the office coffee machine...
RE-calibrating the internet...
Your underwear has conflicted our DB. Please change daily.

Although not that original I really like this idea. I've been wating for a client that would let me use this kind of "features" for a while now. The possibilities are endless.

Note: not my native language so not sure about the spelling etc.

Comments

"Waiting for the system admin to hit enter..." is the best one in this thrad. – Oddmund Oct 15 '08 at 22:50

Answer by Slapout

"Program loaded. Please enter the square root of 598309209839 to continue."

"Press any key to continue" User presses a key. "NO! Not that key!"

Comments

++ for the second one. – Jonta Mar 15 '09 at 13:35

I've always preferred something along the lines of "Enter any 11 digit prime to continue:" – Dereleased Feb 15 '10 at 15:55

773 504.499, I google everything. – Behrooz Aug 15 '10 at 16:49

@Dereleased: And increase the 11 for every character the user types. Do not count down for deletions, but make sure you catch pasting. – Christopher Creutzig Feb 18 '11 at 12:15

Answer by Goran (Oct 13, 2008)

I'm up for a code-challange!

create table data
(
    word nvarchar(50) 
    ,type int
)

insert into data select 'recalibrating', 0
insert into data select 'excavating', 0
insert into data select 'finalizing', 0
insert into data select 'acquiring', 0
insert into data select 'locking', 0
insert into data select 'fueling', 0
insert into data select 'extracting', 0
insert into data select 'binding', 0

insert into data select 'flux', 1
insert into data select 'data', 1
insert into data select 'spline', 1
insert into data select 'storage', 1
insert into data select 'plasma', 1
insert into data select 'cache', 1
insert into data select 'laser', 1

insert into data select 'capacitor', 2
insert into data select 'conductor', 2
insert into data select 'assembler', 2
insert into data select 'disk', 2
insert into data select 'detector', 2
insert into data select 'post-processor', 2
insert into data select 'integrator', 2

select  top 1
    v.word as verb
    ,a.word as adjective
    ,n.word as noun
from    data v, data a, data n
where   v.type = 0
    and a.type = 1
    and n.type = 2
order by newid()

Comments

I wouldn't do that in SQL! (unless I have thousands of rows in each category) – Osama Al-Maadeed Nov 1 '08 at 6:58

let pick xs = fmap (xs !!) (randomRIO (0, length xs-1)) in mapM pick [ [ "recalibrating", "excavating", "finalizing" ], [ "flux", "data", "spline" ], [ "capacitor", "conductor", "assembler" ] ] – luqui Nov 23 '08 at 7:35

wasn't this something from BOFH? – Geo Jul 14 '09 at 11:06

it needs 'repolorizing' – Jeremy Aug 6 '09 at 13:05

Answer by Carl Seleborg

Waiting for Godot...
Please don't move...
Working... no, just kidding.
Working... hey, come back here!
Working... So, how are you?
Behind you! Ha, ha, gotcha!
Please count to 10...
Are your shoelaces tied?
Exercise: enumerate your shopping list as quickly as possible
Working... unlike you!
Working... well... you know...
Doing something useful...
null
Oh, yeah, comments! Good idea!

Ok, that's it for this time.

Comments

Do you have a bit of rope? – Eric Oct 28 '09 at 13:35

Up vote for "null" :P – yuudachi Mar 9 '11 at 19:09

Upvoting for Godot. – Mechanical snail Aug 3 '11 at 8:44

Answer by badp

Why so serious?
Er, there is something on your teeth.
Are you ready?
Prepare for awesomeness!
It's not you. It's me.
Ouch! Careful where you point that thing!

Comments

Prepare for awesomeness. Hihi – Jonta Mar 15 '09 at 13:30

+1 "Why so serious?" – Nader Shirazie Jul 1 '09 at 4:59

Answer by Boldewyn

While you're waiting, how about a little riddle for you? scalar Navier-Stokes equation http://upload.wikimedia.org/math/1/7/0/17038a0582e8b4b7f1adf55f6393a097.png

Explanation to spoil the party: This is the scalar Navier-Stokes equation, that is related to the Navier–Stokes existence and smoothness problem, which in turn is one of the Mathematics' Millenium Prize Problems.

The above mentioned 'riddle', however, is nonsense without further explanation.

Comments

Pun? It's a joke of some sort, but I wouldn't call it a pun. – TRiG May 6 '11 at 14:36

That's true. I'll update the answer. – Boldewyn May 6 '11 at 18:28

Answer by Daniel H (Oct 13, 2008)

I have a game that gives you tips when loading; there are certainly tips that you could put, unless your application is extremely straightforward. GMail puts tips under the inbox, for example; I'd read them if it put them in the loading messages. Get two things done at once: don't make your users uselessly wait AND make sure they can get things done faster. Now that I think about it, there isn't a single program I can think of that has a loading screen that shouldn't have tips there.

Answer by Jus12 (Oct 10, 2010)

"Go get a coffee or something. This is going to take a while."

Comments

I actually use coffee mug image for this purpose. :) – Vishwanath Jan 9 '11 at 14:54

"please stop staring at the completion bar. It is embarrasing me". – Jus12 Jul 12 '11 at 20:59

Answer by FryHard (Oct 08, 2008)

"Communing with nature"

"Spinning the wheel of fortune"

Dare I suggest "I'll be back"

Pick a few more famous movie lines....

Answer by poisonplant (Oct 08, 2008)

Cybernet loading self awareness....please be patient;

Starting missile launch sequence in 10, 9...;

Increasing speed to 88.8mph;

Answer by s d (Oct 08, 2008)

Checking prime directives...

"Serve the public trust"
"Protect the innocent"
"Uphold the law"
(Classified)

Comments

+1 (Classified) – epochwolf Jun 9 '10 at 17:50

Answer by idean (Oct 09, 2008)

Rewinding the DVD...

Answer by Cyberherbalist (Oct 13, 2008)

"Please wait...time not important; only life important."

Fifth Element

Answer by aib

The bits in [] are optional. Alternatively, they can show up after some time:

Waking up the AI... [Error: COFFEE_BIT not set]

Starting [sub]pixel analysis...

Loading loading messages...

Trying to give priority back to actual processing from the loading message handler...

This is a haiku
Your content is now loading
Be patient, will you?

Comments

only if be pat-i-ent please or be pat-ient puh-lease – johnc Oct 8 '08 at 23:36

It's hard to do this in a non-phonetic language like English. s/please/will you/ as necessary. – aib Oct 12 '08 at 0:07

Answer by chakrit (Nov 07, 2008)

The internet is full... Please wait...

Answer by Kevin Bomberry

Reading GoF, please wait...
Hello Clarice.
Good evening, Clarice.
I just ate your data with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
Closer, please. Clo-ser...
I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here.
Stupidity isn't a virus... but it sure is spreadin' like one!
About your data... I lost it... in a volcano.

User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." -- Dave Barry
Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups. -- Anonymous
"To go forward, you must backup."
"The more I C, the less I see."
"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."
"I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"
"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"
"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."
"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa."

INITIALIZING UNIX COMMANDS:
unzip...
strip...
touch...
finger...
mount...
fsck...
more...
yes...
unmount...
sleep...
...READY.

Comments

hahahaha! +1 for the 1337 – The WebMacheter Apr 14 '11 at 17:35

Answer by Pops (Jan 15, 2010)

I can't believe that in nine pages of answers, nobody has said

Please be patient. The program should finish loading in six to eight weeks.

Answer by this. __curious_geek (Feb 10, 2010)

"Loading the Loading message.."

Answer by Secko

Just a few ideas:

Loading the enchanted bunny...
Please wait while this nice progress bar fills to 100%...
Let me tell you a joke, two CPUs walk into a bar...
Greetings Earthling!
I know this is painful to watch, but I have to load this.
Go get a cup of coffee or something... (after a while) Did you get it yet!?
Go read a book, I'm nearly finished.
Oh, no! Loading time...
Really sorry, it needs work I know...
Buy more RAM...
Loading screen... If you can see this then it's already loaded.
Starting in 0...1...2...n...
Hello!!! Why did you click that button?!
Kicking Mort from Madagascar! Please wait...
Busing through the motherboard, will arrive soon...
Hello this is the CPU: The first core and the second core are working! What!? You got a third core...

Answer by Johan Bresler (Oct 08, 2008)

Sorry my binaries are swapped, busy re-sorting them now....

Answer by Anders (Oct 08, 2008)

"Computing chance of success"

Answer by fmsf

The traditional line: "Loading a virus, please relax while your life's work is being deleted..."

Comments

I also wouldn't use that one due to obvious reasons... – BlaM Oct 8 '08 at 11:31

Answer by Steven A. Lowe (Oct 08, 2008)

Centralizing the processing units...

Randomizing memory access...

I think, therefore I am...loading!

I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that

Answer by Zing- (Oct 08, 2008)

Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Answer by Leanan

Rolling for initiative...
Attacking the darkness...
Making will save...

Comments

Haha, i love it, by far one of the best (if a D&D fan ) – mattlant Oct 10 '08 at 8:15

Answer by Chris Latta (Oct 09, 2008)

Searching for the Amulet of Yendor

Preparing for hyperspace jump

Slaying a Balrog

Going to DEFCON 1

Searching for the... OMG, what the heck is THAT doing there?

Comments

+1 for Yendor reference – johnc Sep 28 '09 at 1:02

Answer by user27476 (Oct 13, 2008)

"Waiting for magic to happen..."

But a serious question: is one or two seconds enough time to appreciate a funny message? In my highly subjective opinion, a too-short wait with a message that isn't obviously "loading, please wait" makes it look like you're popping up an important message and the user is missing it. I'm not suggesting you increase the wait time for the messages, though that could be an interesting thought experiment (what's better, two seconds+boring message or ten seconds+interesting message)

Answer by Christian Madsen (Jan 15, 2010)

99 bottles of beer on the wall

Changes to

99 bottles of beer

Changes to

Take one down and pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall

Changes to

98 bottles of beer

And so on... Did someone already write this answer? With 9 pages already and too little time, I was too lazy to check.

Comments

If you want to see it for yourself, 99-bottles-of-beer.net – t0mm13b Jan 25 '10 at 19:24

Great. That eases implementation a lot :) – Christian Madsen Jan 29 '10 at 9:26

How about just changing it to 99 bottles every time? After a while: "(This loading message may be buggy. But the computer is actually computing stuff! Honest! I think...)" – Jonta Apr 12 '11 at 9:53

Answer by mattlant (Oct 08, 2008)

"Please wait while the punch tape loads..."

Answer by Fake Jim (Oct 08, 2008)

Accommodating poor back-end SQL query. Please wait...

Comments

LOL, funny cause it's likely true. – J c Oct 13 '08 at 11:54

Answer by willasaywhat (Oct 08, 2008)

Just use a line from Portal's "Still Alive", bonus points for audio:

"This was a triumph

I’m making a note here: huge success

It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction

Aperture Science

We do what we must because we can

For the good of all of us

Except the ones who are dead

But there’s no sense crying over every mistake

You just keep on trying till you run out of cake

And the science gets done and you make a neat gun

For the people who are still alive"

Or the ever wonderful, "Code Monkey" by the same artist, Jonathon Coulton:

"Code Monkey get up get coffee

Code Monkey go to job

have boring meeting with boring manager Rob

Rob say Code Monkey very diligent

but his output stink

his code not functional or elegant

what do Code Monkey think

Code Monkey think maybe manager want to write goddamn login page himself

Code Monkey not say it out loud

Code Monkey not crazy just proud"

Answer by Groxx (Oct 09, 2008)

Computing 6 x 9...

Comments

Estimated time to completion: 10 million years. Please wait. – Joe White Jul 1 '09 at 4:29

Answer by An̲̳̳drew (Oct 09, 2008)

Waiting for more electricity...

Answer by Federico A. Ramponi (Oct 10, 2008)

Ravaging drive C: ......... done.
Ravaging drive D: ......... done.

Answer by Oli (Oct 13, 2008)

Saw this on a stock webapp the other day

Shorting to afford data transmission

Answer by Irwin (Oct 13, 2008)

Loading: one Mississippi Loading: two Mississippi Loading: three Mississippi

Answer by cllpse (Oct 15, 2008)

On data-load: "Making stuff up. Please wait...".

Answer by Brent Baisley (Apr 25, 2009)

Searching for the Any key...
Searching for answers...
Looking for exact change...
Giving it all of got...
It's around here somewhere...
Stretching first. I don't want to pull a muscle.
Paper or plastic?
Calculating the odds...
Look! Over there -> ->

Answer by nopole (May 20, 2009)

"Downloading the whole Internet. Please wait..."

Answer by codymanix (May 26, 2009)

Testing RAM..............OK
Testing CPU..............OK
Testing Primary Disk.....OK
Testing USER IQ........................
Fail: IQ INSUFFICIENT TO RUN THIS PROGRAM
Aborting!

Comments

Insulting your user is never a good idea. – Fusyion Aug 3 '10 at 14:46

Having users with lack of humour is also a sad thing :) – codymanix Aug 3 '10 at 14:50

This is just insulting. Not humorous. Testing USER PATIENCE maybe – CodeFusionMobile Aug 18 '10 at 20:19

Answer by An̲̳̳drew (Jun 04, 2010)

That that exists exists in that that that that exists exists in.

Comments

I don't get it... – nathanchere Jun 4 '10 at 1:12

I do. +1.......Wherever you go, there you are. – Robert Harvey Jun 4 '10 at 3:04

Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo. – new123456 Jun 2 '11 at 17:27

Answer by Nathan L Smith (Sep 23, 2010)

Just use the BOFH excuse server: http://pages.cs.wisc.edu/~ballard/bofh/bofhserver.pl

Comments

Yeah, those were really funny; But what was asked for was loading statements - not "unknown error" replacements. But you'll get a +1 from me anyway ;) – Frank Oct 7 '10 at 1:57

Answer by Masterofpsi (Jan 29, 2011)

Not my personal idea, but the sheer number and ridiculousness of the little tidbits here always amazed me.

Answer by Rik (Oct 08, 2008)

Please pick your your nose and look disinterested at the screen...
Thank you!

Answer by user7094 (Oct 08, 2008)

Hmmm, on a Futurama style theme, I've always wanted to say something like this:

"Let this abomination unto the Lord begin"

Answer by Johan Bresler (Oct 08, 2008)

Just taking the doggy for an urgent walk...please be patient!!

Answer by tloach (Oct 08, 2008)

To speed up process turn crank attached to computer.

Answer by sammyo (Oct 08, 2008)

Press the Any key to continue.

No not that one, the "Any" key.

Ha ha, gotcha again.

Answer by Lee Crabtree (Oct 08, 2008)

Charging capacitors to 1.21 jiggawatts...
Initializing loading message database...
Entertaining possibility of continuing...

Answer by rotw (Oct 08, 2008)

Some lame ones:

The loading screen is a lie.
Houston, we have a... oh, hi. All fine here.

Answer by Yaba (Oct 10, 2008)

Anno 1701 (a real time strategy game) has some funny messages:

Salting Sea Water
Hiding Treasures
Filling up Mountains
Creating Weather Forecast ....

Comments

They're rather specific to the game, though. Anno 1404 has some new ones, by the way. – OregonGhost Jun 11 '10 at 13:46

Answer by Guano (Oct 10, 2008)

"Time is relative.."

Answer by Cat Plus Plus (Oct 22, 2008)

"Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated."

Answer by Henri Hein (Oct 24, 2008)

Klingons on the starboard bow.

Answer by Mike Hofer (Jan 06, 2009)

Insufficient disk space. Reformatting drive C: to allocate space...

Answer by Simon Hartcher (May 08, 2009)

World Of Goo has some pretty funny loading statements. Here is some that came up when I loaded just then:

Image: World Of Goo Loading Screen

Answer by David Plumpton (May 20, 2009)

There's always the Unix fortune program

Comments

And the -o flag. – new123456 Jun 2 '11 at 17:28

Answer by Zaid Amir (Oct 28, 2009)

Please Wait...

Please Wait Some More...

You're Still Waiting, Right?

You still there?...

Hello...

Oh there You are...

Still Waiting... huh

Dum dada dee dum dada...

Am bored, gonna look through your stuff.

hmmm, found Kernel32.dll

scanning kernel32.dll

kernel32.dll is useless. Deleting...

Ta Da... oh wait am not done yet.

Comments

+1 for gonna look through your stuff, our client would panic :) – medopal Dec 20 '09 at 10:54

should add a "Ha! Just kidding!" after that deleting thing :p – Svish Jan 12 '10 at 12:40

Answer by z-index (Aug 27, 2010)

Are you bored? Me too.

Waiting for something in the server.

Have you considered another ISP?

I'm tired, please be patient.

Answer by Anonymous (Oct 08, 2008)

Nowadays I'd rather frighten users by mentioning RIAA, not viruses :)

Something like "scanning your hard drive for pirated movies"

Answer by Powerlord (Oct 08, 2008)

Contacting HAL9000 for authorization... I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

Answer by plinth (Oct 08, 2008)

Spinning up gerbil wheel
Mounting a scratch monkey
Counting an infinite number of monkeys
Stretching an owl
Buying the world a Coke

Answer by void (Oct 08, 2008)

Waking up your lazy processor.

Having a quick byte to eat ...

I'll be with you in a bit ...

Answer by Flupkear

"Baking cake..."

“Look behind you, a Three-Headed Monkey!”

Comments

LOL! Great quote from Monkey Island! – Andrea Ambu Feb 8 '09 at 21:01

Answer by J.J. (Oct 08, 2008)

"Drink and be merry for tomorrow this site may load"

"Et tu RAM"

"This site is like a box of chocolates, you never know what page is gonna load."

"Don't press back ... pretty please"

"All your web browser are belong to us"

Comments

Ohh ya and. "If you load it; they will wait" – J.J. Oct 8 '08 at 20:35

Answer by Mark Stock (Oct 09, 2008)

Preprocessing...
Parsing...
Compiling...
Coffee time!
Linking...

Comments

If I ever get to write a compiler for something, I think I'll insert this. – OregonGhost Jun 11 '10 at 13:58

Answer by MikeJ (Oct 09, 2008)

Sorry. Our server is a few bytes short of a file...

Don't throw out that cat! Get me some pliers quick...

Waving the rubber chicken over the server. please wait...

This page brough to you by the Letter Q...

Come to Ralph's Wonder Lama Emporium....

Answer by Mez (Oct 09, 2008)

"brb, need to pee"

Answer by Dynamo (Oct 10, 2008)

The MMORPG Everquest uses a bunch of these while the game loads up. A few favorites of mine are:

Warning. Half Elves are now 49.99999 Elf....

and this:

Hitting your keyboard won't make this faster....

Answer by dar7yl (Oct 11, 2008)

histone sequence acetylated
chromatin decondensed
pol II loaded
transcription commencing
transcription paused
transcription resumed
transcription completed
post transational editing
commencing intron splicing
completed messenger export
start codon recognized
translation and polypeptide synthesis commencing
stop codon detected
post-transational configuration
protein transport
enzymic reaction
product synthesis
product complete

Answer by Martin (Dec 02, 2008)

"Calculating meaning of life...."

Then at completion flash up 42.

Answer by Zorantula (Dec 02, 2008)

I once did something like this for the initial test version of an integration tool which would display its results in XML. The tool would take anywhere from 1 to 5 seconds or more (mostly depending on the speed of the database(s) being connected to) and I would display the following in the results field while the tool was processing:

<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr:SearchForDoubloons xmlns:Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirate">
    <Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr:EatChineseFood>
        <FoundDoubloons>No</FoundDoubloons>
        <FoundFortuneCookie>
            <FortuneSays>That special someone loves to see the light in your eye.</FortuneSays>
        </FoundFortuneCookie>
    </Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr:EatChineseFood>
</Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr:SearchForDoubloons>

Each time it ran it would draw a different fortune from a list of real fortune cookie fortunes.

This was very well received by everyone, but removed once the tool "matured".

Answer by The Alpha Nerd (Dec 21, 2008)

Firing up the hyperspace quantum overdrive...

Answer by mvrak (Feb 02, 2009)

Oops... I accidentally the whole system.

Answer by Godcode (Mar 27, 2009)

...main screen turn on

...we get signal

...fpsajfsa;kjfa;ldsfsaf9237497498274sfj;lsafkjakfdsj

...what happen?

...what!

...How are you gentlemen !!

...All your base are belong to us.

...You are on the way to destruction.

...You have no chance to survive make your time.

...You know what you doing.

...Ha ha ha ha....

...Page was beginning...

Answer by Zan Lynx (Mar 27, 2009)

Loading Data
Verifying Data
- Data checksum verified
- Unpacking
- Release the hounds
- Data found in tree
Verifying User
- Press any key
- User is paying attention
- User is sentient
- User IQ > 80
- or
- User IQ < 80
- Enable vegetable mode

Answer by Schildmeijer (Apr 25, 2009)

"Bending the spoon..."

Answer by Kelly S. French (Jan 15, 2010)

Out Of Cheese Error! Mr. Jelly! Mr. Jelly

Comments

+++ REDO FROM START +++ – TRiG Jan 18 '10 at 21:29

Answer by Paul D. Waite (Jun 08, 2010)

Not exactly funny, but Stephen Fry’s iPhone/iPad app (‘Fry Paper’ — now that’s funny) presents this text:

Just clearing my throat...

when loading, which seems nicely in keeping with Stephen Fry’s persona.

Answer by TimFoolery (Jan 27, 2011)

Creating VB GUI Interface...

Hitting the keyboard may lock up the system... but the printer is fine.

This would go faster if I had opposable thumbs...

I spy something green...

If you need to go to the bathroom, do it now... I don't want to stop later.

Remember back when you smoked? At least you always had something to do.

Warning: The internet is a dangerous place.
Only about half of its content is true.
Proof that Al Gore is the man behind it?
We think so.

The series of tubes is a bit congested... the city's got some plumbers working on it right now.

Ah, ah, ah, you didn't say the magic word!

PINGING SERVER... SERVER OK!
SCANNING FOR VULNERABILITIES...
OVERLOADING SERVER RPC STACK...
INJECTING ROOTKIT...
DOWNLOADING CREDIT CARDS... PLEASE WAIT.
CREDIT CARD THEFT SUCCESSFUL.

Comments

That first one is not funny, the application I work on has some truth here, in VB6! – benPearce May 29 '11 at 12:10

Answer by e-satis

Could be worse... Hotlines make you pay for it.

Answer by Henry B (Oct 08, 2008)

"Computer shutting down in ..."

"Please wait whilst your harddisk is erased ..."

"How did I get sucked in to writing out silly loading lines?"

Answer by Philip Reynolds (Oct 08, 2008)

... we're holding our sausage hostage... please be patient...

Answer by hangy (Oct 08, 2008)

"BRB"
"BBIAB"

Answer by James (Oct 08, 2008)

Please wait a moment, deciphering your intentions...

Answer by fmsf (Oct 08, 2008)

Illegal software found on your hard drive! Never mind it's a photo of Chuck Norris...

Answer by Jaap Coomans (Oct 08, 2008)

Please wait... Rebooting the Internet

Taking the red pill...

Answer by Treb

Hey, why did you click this button? You woke me up!!!
Let me think about this...
Please try to click a little softer, that mouse pointer is pointed!
Gotcha, boss! Going right at it!
Will do. In the meantime, can you prepare me a cup of tea?

And for the traditionalists: 'Hello, Dave!' HAL9000 http://flowstate.homestead.com/files/hal9000.gif

Answer by Throknor (Oct 08, 2008)

Locating infinite improbability drive...

Disengaging Genuine People Personalities Protocol for your sanity...

Answer by Esteban Brenes (Oct 08, 2008)

For anyone who played Everquest this might be familiar:

"Teaching Snakes to Kick"

Answer by Kip (Oct 08, 2008)

"Contemplating the meaning of life"

Answer by nwahmaet (Oct 08, 2008)

"The longer it takes me, the better it will be for you"

Answer by Robert Rouse (Oct 08, 2008)

"I have experience with [insert random program on system]. I can see [program] from my directory."

Answer by ykaganovich (Oct 08, 2008)

alt text http://www.gifs.net/Animation11/Creatures_and_Cartoons/Cartoons_Simpsons/Itchy_and_Scratchy_2.gif

Comments

I like animations like this, if loading doesn't take long. There may be copyright issues though on a commercial website. – OregonGhost Jun 11 '10 at 13:57

Answer by Ryan Delucchi (Oct 08, 2008)

Searching for an external observer required to conduct Turing Test ...

Shared with attribution, where reasonably possible, per the SO attribution policy and cc-by-something. If you were the author of something I posted here, and want that portion removed, just let me know.